wrigley field is MILF paradise
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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