i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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