I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
