I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
