If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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