you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
