this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
