I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
