Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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