My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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