i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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