Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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