I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize