I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
