The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
