There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
