Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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