I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize