i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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