yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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