My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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