i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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