I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just pynch a tree in the face
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
