It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
