Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
