I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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