I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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