I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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