The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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