is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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