Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
