Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
