she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
