Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
