remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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