I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
