I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
