you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
