is your mom at the bar?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Randomize
