i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you will always have a special place in my vag
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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