Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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