new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
