I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
