i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So here I am, sexting at work.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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