I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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