Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
