Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
