I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
