we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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