omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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