Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
