my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I have aggressive nipples.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
