listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize