dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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