I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
