I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
