woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
