Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
