you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
